Christmas ornaments trigger my trauma
Today for the first time in 8 years, I brought out my special ornaments to decorate our tree.
Since I was an infant, my mother has collected ornaments for me in the hopes that they would one day adorn my tree as an adult. Every year, she would pick one that meant something significant to my life that year. When I was about 3 I wanted to be a ballerina, so she bought me a ballerina ornament. When I was about 8, I decided I wanted to be a writer, so she got me an ornament of a mouse sitting at his desk writing a letter to Santa. They were all very special to me.
When I was 20 years old, I met a man who I thought had everything I should look for in a man. The only downside? He turned out to be incredibly manipulative and abusive. He questioned and judged me about my sexual history, controlled my friendships, became physically abusive during arguments, just the classic, textbook narcissistic abuser. I stayed with him for four miserable years.
One year around Christmas time, we got into an argument for the umpteenth time during which he accused me of cheating on him. Hint: I never cheated on this man. When I wasn’t giving him the responses he wanted, he stormed across the room, lifted the Christmas tree with one hand, and slammed it to the ground, smashing everything including the ornaments from my mother.
I was devastated.
I yelled out at him and ran over to assess the damage, immediately bursting into tears. He stood over me and laughed while I picked up the pieces and cried. Months later he claimed that he didn’t realize they meant so much to me, which was complete bullshit because we had had more than one conversation about my special ornaments. He did it on purpose to upset me and get a rise out of me in the moment.
That was 2012. I left him in 2013 and never looked back. Today I finally had the courage to open my ornaments again for the first time since that incident, and I arranged a little triage station of the broken ones on the coffee table while my boyfriend set up our tree. When he finished, he came over and without a word, he started gluing back together the broken pieces of my beloved ornaments and carefully staging them to dry. For the rest of the night, he lovingly held me while I sobbed and recounted the horrible things that this other man had done to me.
I hate that my Christmas started this way, but I’m glad that I finally found a man who makes it a little easier. I may never fully get past this, but at least I never have to go through it again. I just wanted to share this with people who might understand and to encourage anyone who has been through a similar situation. You are not alone, and it is OK to cry over broken ornaments even if it’s 8 years after the fact. 💜
You were so brave to get them out and face them. Then he was brave to help you to fix them, and then together you’re going to be brave and make new Christmas traditions. Maybe together you can pick out a special ornament that symbolizes your strength and courage? Merry Christmas. Some people smash things, some people mend them — whether that’s ornaments or partners. Well done for getting out, and congratulations on your new relationship. I’m happy for you both! This made me cry. My step-mum did the same for me and my brother, and when I moved out of my ex’s house he said I’d taken the box with me, but I didn’t have it. He wasn’t abusive, but he was a horrible gaslighter; he claimed he didn’t have it and it must have been lost. I don’t live in my home country and the box of decorations is my only connection to my childhood Christmases. Five years later (this year), he finally brought it over after his girlfriend found it in the attic and made him give it back.
I’m so happy for you that you have someone in your life now who can help you repair what you can of your Christmas past and can help you build a wonderful Christmas future. Sending you lots of hugs. So an abusive narcissist had ruined your christmas. It’s good that you’d left that asshole. Don’t let it hold you back, the pattern that emerges from your memory it tells me you’re rather lucky to escape this man unharmed. He looks way more dangerous than just ruining someone’s cherished memory. He seems to be capable of real violence. Anyhow good luck with your new relationship and have a merry X-mas.
I used to get beat every Christmas for doing it wrong. I still hate Christmas and hole up and cry every Christmas day. Do not let other peoples horrible actions control you. Im glad you have a healthy relationship now. Fuck that other dude. He is not worth any of your time, thoughts, or emotions. You got a tear from me. I feel you, in every way possible. The hurt never goes away, but we can build better memories on top of it. So happy you have found someone who loves you and cherishes you. Sending you huge hugs. i’m so happy that you were able to find someone who is there for you and i know it’s very hard to open up old wounds and i’m so proud of you for being strong enough to do so. Get over it. I don’t mean that in a condescending “this is petty and shouldn’t affect you” way (it should), but rather do what you need to do to make sense of this tragic episode of life so that it defines your strength. Take it out and view it as the testament to your accomplishment and resolve so that you can see this as your shining triumph instead of being reminded of his disgusting nature.
